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14 Thoughts Running Through Woman’s Head While She Delivered a 14-Pound Baby

Big Baby

You may have heard the story of an Iowa who recently gave birth to a 14-pound baby boy without any drugs to help. The woman in question, Kendall Stewardson, had welcomed a 12-pound boy last year, so she knows a thing or two about big babies.

What must Stewardson have been thinking while in the delivery room awaiting this second bundle of joy? We have 14 guesses — one for each pound:

1. Oh my goodness, I’m giving birth to Jonah Hill.

2. Nothing this big should come without a side of cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes.

3. The next baby we adopt.

4. Someone tell my husband to run to the supermarket to buy circus tent-sized Pampers.

5. I’d like to see Jay-Z write a song about this baby.

6. This is the biggest thing to hit Iowa since Kevin Costner arrived to shoot ‘Field of Dreams.’

7. This is the most pain anyone has felt in Iowa since seeing Kevin Costner in ‘Waterworld.’

8. The first time he goes on an airplane we’re going to have to pay for two seats.

9. If he gets here soon, the Patriots or Giants can sign him to play offensive line in the Super Bowl.

10. I should’ve registered at Casual Male XL.

11. He’s not fat, he’s big-boned. Oh, it doesn’t matter — he’s huge, no matter what.

12. I must be on drugs to have agreed not to have any drugs.

13. And to think this pain will pale in comparison to what I feel when he comes home with a neck tattoo, a nose ring and a declaration that he’s dropping out of school to become a roadie.

14. Thanks goodness I’m not having twins.

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